The Femme Conference is over. I am still in San Francisco. This is always how it is when these events are over. The windows are drawn in the war room and we are all emotionally exhausted. Party cleaned up and trash dumped and bills being cleared. People I love so dearly have been coming by all morning, toting their suitcases and leaving us with long goodbye hugs. But I am not tired. The Femme Conference was like a gotdam revival meeting! One of those amazing happenings where the timing and the meaning were so profound, I will never be the same.

I was so proud of all of the Femmes on the steering committee. My heart didn’t burst through my chest because I managed to release some of that pent up love in hugs that crushed ribs. LOL The girls put themselves and their own will aside to do this. They did all they could to make the conference special for everyone who might have wanted to find family amongst the other Femmes. They were thoughtful for the right reasons and made their inner politic so clear that people were able to feel welcome and to be enriched and to feel like they were part of something very very special. Really. This weekend was all about the Femmes. They did it all. What they made happen dented our huge planet with a spear of love and courage. What they made happen changed everything in the tiny Butch-Femme world where we all live.

I am a long time feminist but I had to say HMMM to myself a few times over the weekend. Partners of those involved and other allies were in abundance. Amber said some stuff in her speech about DESIRE being part of our movement. We always want our Femmes to know they are sexy and beautiful but … objectified… how? To be heart friends and acknowledge the attraction… how? Fierce as they are, I felt a little clumbsy being so protective of these Femmes that I love, also. I know that has some romantic ring to it, but I am unsettled at the moment. How are we real allies beyond helping out our Femmes this weekend? No brochure was handed out on that. No bullet points in a PowerPoint presentation. Bah. None of that even makes any sense because I have not smoothed it all out yet to even begin understand the wrinkles. And we need to figure it out. I am here writing with a few minutes to myself and there are tears STILL running down my cheeks. I swear I am just fucking jerked to tears. Like a damned wolf howling in my soul. The more our community grows, the smaller it becomes as we get to know each other. In my own head, I keep saying “Ten years”. I keep time in the years of my life that I have been blessed to see so much change.

Yanno. One thing was CLEAR. I had so many sudden and sweet moments with other Butches this weekend, I can no longer ignore what has been in my heart. We need to be allies to each other also. I was acutely aware of that need as the weekend moved on. We always get thrown together while our Femmes are busy changing the fucking world. Would be tuff to figure it out and find some structure and learn how to support one another. I have the heart and the web site but I am not a detail person. I will need some help with the effort because it is also hard for me to open up. Uhg. I think I might be getting better at that., though. I am definitely willing. It would mean a fuckload to me if *we* could try. I will need some help!

I was star struck by some of the keynotes, but had the chance to steal a little bit of real time with at least two of them to realize they are just folks. And I think the reason these women are heroes to me is because it is just so fucking brave to put yourself out there. Fuck! AMBER HOLLIBAUGH. How come I did not know about Amber Hollibaugh? Thank you, universe. Her speech seared. I bawled like a bitch. You know how I do these days. Shit. Amber got a standing ovation. People clapped until she threw her head back and laughed. People kept clapping until some of us started laughing and crying. Then people started to look truly alarmed because the clapping still did not stop. lol It was glorious crazy love. Truly inspiring. Amber Hollibaugh grabbed me in a rocking hug and said “TRAILOR TRASH!” And I said “Working class!! And sometimes no job aaaaand no class!” LOL Gotdamit. *I loved her*. She totally got me just from the way I walk. Warrior she is! And I got her too. No macadamia academia crust. Just heart and fucking TRUTH. Fucking finger licking ass kicking family recipe… served on a wobbly paper plate. With lightning shooting out of it.

Azmo scairt me in boy drag. The show Sat night was bawdy and sweaty and fabulous. Like the Kit Kat Club in Berlin.

Anywayz… I haven’t had two seconds with my wife in three days. So much to process. I could write until it was dark outside.

Good lawd. Ya’ll all ’bout to kill an old Butch. My mean old heart can’t take it.

PS … Oh, and I was on a panel on Friday afternoon! With two Butch friends that I respect very much. The attendance was so unexpected, they had to move us to the main conference room! With a mic and everything! I am so nervous about that kind of thing. It scares me to speak in front of other people. Really. I was sweating it. But I lived!!!!! LOL Not like this was a tough crowd. I got aaawwwlll kinds of love the whole weekend from my peeps. I got it and gave it. I sure needed it too.

Posted by Daddy Rhon on Monday, August 14th, 2006 at 11:47 pm.