Lawd.
The last weeks with friends have insanely great. First we went to Vegas with T, then had folks here at the Love Shack for Christine’s birthday, and then some chosen fambly here for Thanksgiving, and then E stayed 10 days and J popped in for a weekend in the middle. In a few days, I am leaving for the Bay Area to hug some friends there, too. Amazing people I ever get to see often enough.
There are only a few of those kinda “lookie-here” mental snapshots that I could share with the rest of my faraway friends, explain to all ya’ll how this funny thing happened, this person shared this insight, and we had this memorable adventure and then another. Those things *have* happened the last few weeks — the usual suspects, curious subplots, twists of silliness, sweet mentions of those missed, and easy acceptance amongst all. But this precious time with friends somehow went deeper than a whoop and a hug for me. I have thought of how we have bumped elbows, been genuinely sorry for assumption, and learned to talk and to listen. I feel like some of us have walked up a flight of stairs and met each other on another level. More likely… I suddenly became aware of the stairs we have been ascending all along when I looked below and saw where I used to be and where I want to be.
I have spent so much of my life protecting what tenderness remained. I survived with the ability and the will to stand with my eyes open and unblinking in the fire to prove how I care. In armor, temperance is an illusion, and I see what few skills I have learned that allow me to express my real heart. I have learned a love this fierce can only be given quickly and in secret. While a beloved brother or sister’s face is turned – a rich gulp of that familiar frailty across the cheek of a friend, and hushed acknowledgement of a backbone of might. I see you. I just don’t know how to show you. Anyways, in these peaceful days by the fireside with all these wars real and imagined behind me, I know I am blessed. I want to learn how to be a better friend. To be vulnerable, even. Now wouldn’t that be brave?
Shit. I don’t even know how to talk on a phone. Maybe I should LEARN.
On a related thought… I feel like my wife’s friendships have evolved much more quickly because of the communication and social skills she has developed. Usually I tease about the differences between Butches and Femmes, but I’m not thinking this one particular difference is as amusing anymore. I know so many of my brothers have been such loners, just as I have. I think it takes some of us much longer to develop deeper friendships on a level beyond the glory of a big fat high five. I have never had high fives so solid and joyful at any point in my life, and I am so thankful. There is a deeper world of spirit and spit and survival in those connections with other Butches, even if it is just as simple as recognition. I do wish we could be more of a support to each other in our own networks, just as a given. I am sure some of you are much better at this friend thing than I am, and I want to learn. More on that later. I have been thinking I will make a Butch bud filter so we can talk about it. For real.
One thing that has me thinking about friendships… I recently lost my very best friend, and in that loss I realized how meaningful my brothers are to me. Also, my friend of 27 years was here this past weekend. We are a mirror to one another — how we have changed and how we have become more of who we always were. And all these fine, brave Femmes and how much they share with each other. Please share with us too.
Thank you to all of my friends, Butch and Femme, and for everything you have shared with me and taught me about yourself. Thank you to my friends old and new for trying to know me and not assuming that you already do. Thank you for such grace around my clumsiness, and for forgiveness those times I have hurt you before I knew where your bruises were. You are each a precious world to me.
In the meantime, I realize I can’t just grab folks up and sugar on ‘em like I do with Wheezie. So I will be workin’ on it. 
